영어 작문 질문좀 해도 될까요?

이번에 영어 작문숙제로 자기소개서를 쓰게 되었습니다. 그러나.. 역시나 늘 그렇듯 제 눈에는 해석이 참 잘되는데 다른이들에게는 해석이 안되는 경우가 많더군요..,;; 그녀석들의 지적을 받고 다시 썼는데.. 또 다른 이들에게 물어보면 해석을 못하겠다고 해서..

여기에 질문을 올려봅니다.ㅠㅠ

그 누구든지 해석이 안되는 부분이 있으면 따끔히 지적해주시면 고치도록 하겠습니다.

My name is B-K  I am a sophomore.  I was born in Seoul on September 15, 1991. My personality is very bright and passionate. I think That character is a strength sometimes it have drawback because it is too positive. And I have a four in my family. My father works for company that the head of marketing for the Seodaemun-gu and my mother works in a licensed relay.  I have an elder sister who is ready to get married as soon as possible.
Even my family is in a totally unrelated field, I like my major. At the first time, my family were disagreeing with what I chose my major. They think I can’t teach students. Because of my personality or my English level. So I’m highly concerned by this matter, but before I went to military without resolution and incidentally, I taught an English which Is a qualification exam(GED). This is my first time to teach English and I realized what I want to do.
Of course! Not only this experience but also various experience. But that time It make me persuade my parent and finally I’m here Now my family don’t object to what I do. The reason why, I enjoy teach talk program. To be honest it is a just part-time job and taken lightly, but A few short years ago that wasn't the case, However, things have changed in recent years so I’m deeply attached to it
Occasionally my family asked me
“Is this fun if you teach students?”
Then my answer is always
“yes”

[개백수김씨]

지우시는게 좋을 듯 싶어요.
이거 다 개인 정보인데....

[짱구반바지]

제가 한글을 몰랐으면 유치원생이라 생각했을 것 같아요... 첫 네문장 읽고..ㅋㅋ

[수습작]

My name is B-K. I am a sophomore. I was born in Seoul on September 15th, 1991. I am very bright and also passionate.
I think these characteristics are my strengths but sometimes they become drawbacks because the positivity prevents me from being proactive.
I have four family members. My father works for a company as the head of marketing for the Seodaemun-gu and my mother works in a licensed relay. I have an older sister who is getting ready to get married as soon as possible.
Even if my family is in a totally unrelated field, I like my major. At first time, my family was disagreeing with what I chose for my major. They think I can’t teach students because of my personality or my imperfect English. So I’m highly concerned by this matter. However, before I went to military service without resolution, incidentally, I taught English for a qualification exam (GED). This was my first time teaching English and I realized what I want to do.
Of course, it wasn’t just because of this experience but also many other various experiences. Though that experience allowed me to persuade my parent and finally my family won’t object to what I do. The reason why is because I enjoy ‘teach talk’ program. To be honest it is just a part-time job which is taken lightly, but few years ago that wasn't the case. However, things have changed in recent years so I’m deeply attached to it.
My family occasionally asks me ‘Is it fun to teach students?’ and my answer is always ‘yes’.

부족한 실력으로 조금 다듬어 봤습니다. 자세한 내막을 몰라서 그냥 기본적인 부분만 고쳤습니다. 무슨 말씀 하시고 싶으신지 한글로 알았다면 좀 더 고칠 수 있었을지도... ^^;

[수습작]

I think That character is a strength sometimes it have drawback because it is too positive.

but before I went to military without resolution and incidentally, I taught an English which Is a qualification exam(GED).

The reason why, I enjoy teach talk program. To be honest it is a just part-time job and taken lightly, but A few short years ago that wasn't the case, However, things have changed in recent years so I’m deeply attached to it


이렇게 세 부분이 사실 이해가 잘 안가서...

[맥시마]

열심히 쓰고있는데 수습작님께서 비교적 잘 고쳐주셨네요.
제가 쓴건 지우고 간단하게 이야기만 해볼게용

수습작님이 말씀하신대로 영어작문을 첨삭받으시려면
본래 자신이 쓰려고 의도했던바를 한글로 같이 써주시면 더 좋습니다.
사실 작문을 첨삭받을때는 원어민의 도움을 받는것도 좋지만
이렇게 본인의 한글-영어를 비교하며 봐줄 수 있는 선생님께 배우는게
실력을 늘리기에 참 좋거든요.

제가 느낀 바로는 기본적인 문법에 대한 이해가 부족하시고
영어 작문 경험 자체가 별로 없어 보이세요.

예를들어 .를 잘못쓰셔서 문장이 아예 비문이 되거나
대문자가 이상한곳에 써져있다던가
and, but 등 지나친 접속사를 사용하시고
older를 elder로 쓰신다던가
동사를 사용할 때 단복수를 잘못 받으시기도 했고
what을 사용할 때 동사 다음에 목적어를 그냥 받으시기도 했구요
(choose 동사가 4형식으로 쓰긴 하지만 그렇게되면 전혀 다른 의미가 되니깐요.)
하여간 이런 실수들을 하셨는데
이건 영어 작문을 배울때 거의 처음 단계에서 지적당하는 것들이거든요.
제 생각엔 문법공부를 더 철저히 하시고 많이 작문 해보시는게 답일 듯 싶어요.
화이팅 하시길 바랍니다

[이한성.]

비밀댓글

비밀 댓글입니다.

[콜로서스]

처음에 서울에서 태어났는데 왜 갑자기 퍼스날리티로 넘어가는거죠? ㅎㅎ 뜬금없는 전개 같이 느껴집니다. 한글로 써보면 저는 몇년도 서울에서 태어났습니다. 제 성격은 밝아요. 이런 전개니까요. 한글로 구조를 써보시면 뭔가 이상한게 느껴지실겁니다.